Temp
by Deltana
Summary: Edward is keeping a secret from Al about what goes on behind closed doors.
1. Chapter 1

_**Temp-**_

_Is there something I am missing, _I often wonder. Do I just not see what is happening right in front of my eyes and appear to turn a blind eye to what I am unaware of?

Perhaps.

I only noticed recently, after all, when in reality I should have seen it.

The jerky movements, pained eyes, fake smiles and happiness. An absolute falsehood that surrounded my brother nearly every single day. He isolates himself with a barrier of lies and deceit on the outside, then wallows in pain internally.

I mean, Brother's blood is literally what ties me to the world of the living. So his blood is my blood. If he dies, I die. Simple as that. We were siblings and had a sort of collective security about our lives. When one was in trouble, the other went to help. I think we never would have made it as far as we did without each other to lean on. That's how it's always been, and I thought that was how it would stay.

But then, I _noticed_.

I saw the gut wrenching looks Brother would toss at me, just begging me to open my eyes and _see_ his turmoil. How blind I had been to not realize! All along, he had been searching for someone to help him, pick him back up on his feet. He was leaning back on our silent treaty. Because Ed fell, he dropped so far that I was afraid it was too late.

That help had not arrived in time.

Perhaps, even now, I was _right_.

* * *

As per our usual failure considering the Stone, Brother was summoned to recite and deliver his report to Colonel Mustang. Naturally, he complained like every other time.

'_That bastard! What point is there in us coming all the way back here to tell him what he already knows?'_

'_Brother… He just wants to help us. I imagine he worries about how we fare on missions. And if we didn't come in each time, he would never know.'_

Edward's eyes grew hazy, glazed over with a dark flame, one that seemed to consume his very spark for life. It was the first time I noticed.

'_Yeah right. You know he's just manipulating us for his own gain. We're nothing more than dogs to him. Dogs that he can replace upon a whim.'_

'_Maybe. But he cares what happens to us nonetheless.'_

A laugh slipped past the tightly clenched muscles of his jaw. It sounded hollow. Worse than the echo my speech made from this metal body. _Far worse. _It was the laughing echo of a dead man.

'_If he cared, he wouldn't let me rot.'_

Despite my obvious stun from the poisonous words, I couldn't bring myself to ask Brother to repeat what he had said, to make sure I was not mistaken. _Was the Colonel really that bad, _I wondered. He appeared nice enough to us with each meeting. (Overlooking the baiting short jokes spewed at Ed.)

But our Mother used to say that appearances can be deceiving.

We entered the office just as we normally would have.

"Full Metal, I'd like to speak to you about the debt that you owe me," Mustang declared as his gaze shifted to me. He gestured his hand to the door. "Alone if you please."

I turned to Brother, fully expecting a rant of some sort. Something like, _'Al can damn well stay here you useless Colonel!' _

But his gaze was pinned to the floor.

"Brother?"

My soft tone of voice that begged a pleading note, twanging a certain string buried deep beneath his heart.

He looked to me and I saw.

Fear: an absolute _dread_ of the thought of my leaving him alone in that room.

Now, I'm usually lucky to get more than a thumbs-up or an enthusiastic grin from Ed, and I have to work to receive only that level of reassurance. Let's face it. My brother is not an emotional kind of person. He doesn't express himself any better than _I_ can feel blades of grass beneath my metal feet. Granted, he is a male. But he was so much more guarded and protected.

So to see that shattered pained me more than anything.

Whether by pride of apprehension of the consequences, he never actually asked me to stay for life or death.

"I'll come back to the dorms when we're done." Brother told me with another fake smile I was learning to recognize.

I _trusted _him.

* * *

Later in the night I heard our door squeak as it was slowly opened. I sat in the corner by my brother's bed, waiting patiently for him to return like he promised.

But, I had not thought he would take so long.

I watched him come in and walk past me completely, likely not seeing me there due to the darkness of night. He hesitantly crawled into the blankets.

I assumed he was being wary of the many nightmares that plagued him.

Edward slept peacefully through the night however. And I would like to believe that it was because was holding his hand all night. When he started to struggle and moan, trying to stave off a horrible dream, I squeezed tighter, let him know that I was there, and that I was someone who would _protect_ him.

My Brother is my blood; therefore, to protect me, I have to shield him too.

It took me until the next morning to begin to question.

"Al, why're you holding my hand?" Ed stared at me strangely, like I had grown a second menacing head.

"Well… you- weren't sleeping well last night, Brother. So I thought that if I held your hand it might help you."

He turned to face me fully then, grasping my large shoulders with his small hands, checking me this way and that.

"Are you alright, Al?"

I nodded and saw the pain return to his eyes. He gazed at me sadly.

"Automail _can't_ feel, Al."

* * *

Brother had a mission to attend to that morning, and so we found ourselves at the train station.

"Don't forget that you _still_ owe me, Full Metal." Mustang said as we boarded the train heading east. He ushered my brother in the door and followed.

Ed flicked his wrist to give the man a hint. "I remember, Colonel. Now get out of my way."

I thought it was nice of the Roy to come all this way just to see us off for a perfectly regular mission. But why was Brother acting so dramatic about it? It was as if he knew something I didn't.

I spoke no word of the gloved hand lingering on the small of Ed's back in some strange farewell. Although, I did see the grimace it left on my brother's face.

The pained eyes returned.

'_Why does Brother always have to pay for our sins?' _I wondered as the sunlight reflected in his shining automail arm from our window.

We were supposed to fall together. Equivalent exchange. What happened to him affected me as well, and vice versa.

Now, I realize that life is not equivalent.

And I think that Brother noticed that far before I had, possibly on the night he still says I was wiser about. As if I was being the mature one.

Ed may do stupid things that I don't understand, like leave out important information about his relationship with the military and his commander, but he will always be smarter than I.

_He_ would have _seen_ the pain instantly, were it on _my_ real face.

* * *

_AN: I wrote this a while ago, but was hesitant to post it. Depending on the reception, I may finish with the other two parts to this, in which Ed's side is told and Al discovers it. _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Temp-**_

I should have never walked into that office, not if I knew what was good for me.

It was a sick fascination.

Al needed me, and I knew that but I just-

-just…

Don't want to do this anymore.

I'm tired. Tired of being accustomed to things kids my age would not even dream of. Sure, in their morbid little fantasies, dreams come true and the night is filled with pleasure. But for the sake of sanity, let's live in the real world.

Nothing good comes out of this.

He tells me that my bond with Al is my ultimate weakness, the weak link, one that if severed could crush my entire being into an abyss of rubble.

I was supposed to take care of him when Mom died. Somehow I knew that was what she was asking me in those last final pain-filled moments. Doesn't the older brother usually do that regardless?

Obviously that didn't work out. Half the military will back me up on that one. They try to hide what they are really thinking as Al and I walk past. But I can hear.

Their comments mixed in with daily weather:

'_Isn't that the Full Metal Alchemist?'_

'_Shouldn't he be taller? A boy with so many responsibilities should be older, right?'_

The underlying meaning:

'_Isn't that the kid who tried to sacrifice his brother in some strange transmutation?'_

'_A boy with so much guilt should be older. Broad shoulders are necessary to burden sin.'_

People I've seen who are criminals:

'_You are like me Edward; didn't you perform alchemy on your brother for the gains of science and the pursuit? To see what you could do?' _

'_You've got an automail arm too. I bet you felt like the military was suppressing you, you wanted to be stronger, better and out of the runt league.'_

And the one person I thought I could trust:

'_Sin is a heavy cross to carry, Full Metal. I don't think you fully realized just what you were getting yourself into when you joined up with us. You cannot allow a flinch every time you see a corpse. Otherwise, you'll never survive with your mind intact.'_

It was my fault for what happened. Al knows it; he's just too scared to admit it.

I have to fix what's wrong.

That's why; I have to do all that I can.

No matter the cost.

* * *

Alphonse and I came to Mustang's office, where we were supposed to deliver our status from the last mission. I knew that something else would occur instead and I toyed with the idea of telling Al why we couldn't go there. For a long while I pondered on my options.

The answer, however, came to me so easily it was disgusting.

We had to go to Central. How could I deny my little brother his happiness when it was I who stole it?

I could not believe how large of a coward I had been prepared to become.

Nevertheless, I was still uneasy.

"Full Metal, I'd like to speak to you about the debt that you owe me," Mustang declared as his gaze shifted to Al. A lone stone sank in the pit of my stomach and filtered down to my boots. Was he serious? On military ground, in his office. He gestured his hand to the door. "Alone if you please."

Al looked to me and I tried not to meet his eyes. I knew what I would find there.

"Brother?"

His innocent tone echoed through my ears, tearing at what little conscience I must have had left.

I glanced up to him. A face of a small young boy met my frightened eyes. He was always there, as a reminder of what I had shattered. No one else could see him, only me, he stared at me with smoky eyes and scowled.

'_Now Brother, surely you're not planning to try and get out of this are you?'_

No.

'_You promised me you'd get my body back.'_

I will Al, but, why does it have to be this way?

Smiling all too fake, I was likely cracking the corners of my lips. "I'll come back to the dorms when we're done," I told him and watched as the boy turned away and left me with my worst nightmare.

One from which I can never awaken.

* * *

Mustang ran his rough, bare hands down my shoulders, avoiding the coldness of automail and back up to my collarbone.

I sat facing him in his chair, on top of his lap.

The window shed an eerie white light from the clear cloudless night. It bathed us in a glow.

His fingers fisted into my thick hair, deep at the roots.

Shuddering at the slivers of heat raking up my spine, I bit my tongue as he tugged my head back harshly, holding me in place.

I wrapped my legs, both real and not, around his waist and he thrust quickly in, all at once.

Although I wanted to cry out at the sudden sharp ache growing in my lower back, Mustang ran his fingertips over a few strands of my hair currently in his hold. He kept eye contact with me, forcing his bright eyes to meet my dark ones. Oddly enough, our positions were switched during this one time in our lives. He was helpless and I was the one who could end it all with a simple accusation.

There is a law against this sort of stuff.

I look out to see the shining moon, so far off from where the two of us were there, but yet so close, as if my synthetic hand could grasp it and capture it in all of its mystical glory.

It brought me back down to the present when the low burning became intense. Pleasing yet painful at the same time.

Roy grasped my automail hand with his free one while we both shuddered. Our fingers intertwined between hot and cold.

He ended it swiftly, with a last meaningful push, sending us both to some wonderful place we thought we were damned away from.

And as I peered into his eyes I finally got to see him. Weak, unarmed, completely at my mercy. After something so mind blowing he couldn't really protect himself if I decided to slit his throat with my self made weapon.

Would it be odd to describe that as a comfort?

That he trusted me with his life?

I squeezed his palm harder, realizing that by tomorrow we would both be where we were before, just like after each time. We would be two people who were not connected.

* * *

"Don't forget that you still owe me, Full Metal," Mustang commented idly at the station.

As if I could.

He keeps information about Al quiet from the higher ups and I keep quiet on what he does as payment.

Al is safe and I am left broken, left to rot in this hellhole, waiting for the next time my Colonel will take me with him to a place I was banished from long ago.

Equivalent exchange, no?

* * *

_AN: I had way more fun writing this than I should have… -.- But, I hope readers liked it._


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